Got Any Grapes?
by greenikat89
Summary: Oneshot: Frankly it was driving Remus up the wall, not to mention his blood pressure, as he constantly waited for Sirius to show up asking that dreaded question.  And for the life of him, Remus couldn't figure out what Sirius wanted grapes for.


**Disclaimer:** Fine...I don't own the HP universe. There, I said it. Are you happy now? (pouts) Although that doesn't stop me from wishing it were true.

A/N: I just thought I'd do a retelling of one of my favorite jokes using Remus and Sirius since they're so fun to play around with. (So that means I don't own the joke either.) Hope you enjoy it.

AR, becuase Sirius isn't dead and a touch of OOC in the name of humor.

* * *

Remus was deftly typing away on the computer, fingers flying over the keys as he squinted at the screen through frameless square glasses. He had finally gotten the hang of using the computer, a Muggle invention, and was currently playing an amusing fantasy game James had gotten him hooked on. He had been on it for a couple hours now but he was nowhere near as bad as James was, that was until Lily threatened to have James sleep on the couch for a week if he didn't stop playing the game. Remus gave a faint smirk that he didn't have to face such problems as he typed in a combination of keys.

The front door slammed open hard enough to rattle Remus' cup of tea, sloshing the contents perilously close to the keyboard. He did, unfortunately, have one hyperactive Sirius who was around often enough to be paying half the rent in the apartment. "Hey Remus!" Sirius called out merrily, his voice carrying out to the kitchenette.

Remus smiled and paused the game, turning around on the swivel stool. "Yes, Sirius?" He watched as his friend plopped down on the chair across from the kitchen table, cheeks rosy from the autumn wind.

"Do you have a grapes?" Sirius asked suddenly.

Remus looked at him oddly. Yes he was used to Sirius' off the wall questions but that didn't make it any less surprising. "Umm, no. Sorry Sirius." He drummed his fingers against the tabletop in confusion. "Why do you ask?"

Sirius gave an easy shrug, pulling his old Gryffindor scarf more securely around his neck. "No reason," he stated simply before getting up and bounding out the door. The door slammed behind him once again and Remus sighed, getting back to his video game. Sirius certainly was an odd duck.

* * *

A day passed and Remus forgot about Sirius' question as he walked up and down the aisles at the public library. His fingers were lightly skimming across the spines of the covers before he stopped on one, a small smirk of triumph on his face. "Do you have any grapes?" Remus nearly had a heart attack as he spun around to face a grinning Sirius who had popped up out of nowhere.

"No Sirius," he gasped, clutching one hand to his rapidly beating heart. He bent down to pick up the book he had hastily dropped because of Sirius' unexpected arrival. "What makes you think I have any here?" Sirius didn't answer, shaking his head and heading out the door. The librarian gave Sirius the evil eye as he accidentally knocked over a magazine rack on his way out.

Remus sighed and put back the D&D book he was going to check out, wondering what in the world Sirius wanted grapes for.

* * *

Remus hummed a song to himself as he washed the soap out of his hair. It had been a long day ladling out soup at the soup kitchen, but he was happy. Although he didn't get paid anything for volunteering he was just grateful to have a job from people who didn't care that he was a werewolf.

He dunked his head beneath the spray of the water to get rid of the soap when someone tapped him on the shoulder. Remus opened his eyes and came face to face with Sirius. "Sirius!" he squawked, nearly slipping on the bar of soap as he hastily pulled the shower curtain around him. "What are you doing in my bathroom you loon?" He could feel his face heating up as he turned off the shower, beads of water dripping on the shower floor.

"I just wanted to know if you have any grapes," Sirius defended. He ducked quickly as Remus threw a soaked sponge at his head.

"No!" Remus said exasperated. "Now get out of my bathroom!" Remus groaned and rested his forehead against the cool green tiles of the wall as Sirius left. His friend was driving him crazy.

* * *

Remus was having a really good day. The sun was shining and the birds were singing and most importantly there was no Sirius popping up in the strangest places. A gold foil wrapped chocolate bar suddenly appeared in front of Remus in a cloud of pink smoke. Remus grinned and reached out his hand to take it when suddenly two bright blue eyes appeared on the candy followed by a huge plastic pair of red lips.

Remus was slightly puzzled, but he had seen stranger things in Hogwarts so he just went with the flow. "Hello chocolate bar," he said pleasantly, for his mother always taught him to be polite to everyone. Even if that everyone did include a chocolate bar with a face. "What's your name?" The chocolate bar hovered in front of Remus' face looking slightly puzzled before it opened its mouth and let out the most hideous, loud shriek.

Remus jumped and fell out of his bed with a thump, patchwork sheets tangled around his legs. "Oh Merlin," he moaned, rubbing the back of his head with one hand. His hand reached out and pushed the snooze button on his alarm clock but that obnoxious noise still continued. He grumbled when he realized it was someone who was ringing his doorbell. No, not ringing, he amended as he pulled open his closet door to pull on his robe. Leaning, someone was leaning on his doorbell and he had a fairly good idea who it was.

Feet slipping into worn bunny slippers he shuffled towards the front door where that instant noise was getting louder. Muttering under his breath he slid back the dead bolt and swung open the front door to see a familiar figure illuminated by the streetlights. "What Sirius?" he asked waspishly, trying to clear his sleep addled brain.

Sirius grinned, leaning against the doorjamb in a casual manner. "Hey Remus, I was just wondering if you had any grapes."

Remus' eye twitched uncontrollably at the question, his frayed nerves at its end at the question Sirius had been pestering him with every day for the entire week. "Sirius!" Remus exploded, any trace of humor he may have had having fled when he was so rudely woken up. "It's-" his eyes flicked up to the clock mounted on the wall, just barely making out the numbers, "three in the morning and you're asking me about _grapes_?" he asked with disbelief while jabbing Sirius in the chest.

"Well look Sirius, I don't have any grapes today, I didn't have any yesterday, or the day before that, or the day before that, and I_ definitely_ won't have any tomorrow. And so help me if you pop up somewhere and ask me for grapes again," he leaned in close to make his point, "I will take a pair of scissors and cut your hair off." He made a jerky motion with his hand mimicking a pair of scissors. "Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

Remus didn't wait for a reply before he started shutting the door. "Goodnight Sirius, and _please_ go to bed." He shut the door, feeling a twinge of guilt that he had snapped at Sirius, but it had to be done. Maybe now he would finally stop being paranoid, and maybe start taking showers without wearing a bathing suit.

* * *

It was Sunday, the day after Sirius had showed up on his front porch, and there wasn't a hint of Sirius in sight. He still felt a little bad at telling Sirius off but he made a resolve to make it up to him later, maybe after his visit to the park. On Sunday afternoons Remus liked to take his stale bread he had saved from his meals and feed it to the birds in the park. It was relaxing and the animals seemed to like it, even if they did stay a wary distance from him. The still knew which bench he liked to sit at and a couple of times Remus was pleased to note the birds were perched in the branches of the trees overhead as if waiting for him.

He was nearly done, a gloved hand reaching inside the bag to scatter the rest of the crumbs when he heard the crunch of gravel beneath shoes before someone slid onto the green bench next to him. Remus watched his friend warily, much like the birds had done earlier, waiting to see if Sirius would utter that familiar question. He was surprised, not to mention greatly relieved, when it was otherwise. "Hey Remus, I was taking a walk around the park when I noticed you sitting here like a crazy bird lady."

Remus scoffed, neatly folding up the small brown paper bag and shoving it into the pocked of his coat. "Hardly," he said dryly. "And if anything I would be a crazy bird man."

That earned a chuckle from Sirius as he leaned back in the bench, long legs stretched before him. There was a companionable silence between the two as they watched the rest of the crumbs disappear into the eager mouth of the morning sparrows and a couple forward blue jays. "Hey Remus," Sirius said, breaking the calming atmosphere, "do you have a pair of scissors?"

Remus raised an eyebrow in question, turning to look at his friend. "No," he said puzzled, even more so when a large Cheshire-like grin spread across Sirius' face.

Sirius' eyes glittered with mischievous glee as he asked, "So do you have any grapes?"

* * *

And here's a version of the joke if you wanted to know.

**A Duck Walks into a Bar **

A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No." So the duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No." So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "Look duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any yesterday, and we definitely won't have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks, "Got any nails?"

The bartender says, "No."

Then the duck says, "Oh good. Got any grapes?"


End file.
